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My Game Brings All the Girls to the Table: Some Tips on Encouraging New Female Gamers

22/3/2017

12 Comments

 
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I recently introduced a girlfriend of mine to Pathfinder for the very first time. Not only was it her first time with Pathfinder, but also her very first pen-and-paper RPG. So far, she’s enjoying it, but the question of how to get more ladies involved in the gaming world is one that is frequently bubbling beneath the frothy surface of our subculture.

I have DM’ed in the past, but I decided to approach this more from the perspective of a female player who wants to get her friends involved in the madness. Guys have frequently asked “how can I get my girlfriend/wife involved in role-playing?” and gamer girls frequently discuss this between ourselves, so I polled a few of my crew and came up with the following points.

So a girl has expressed an interest in joining your group, or one of your crew has said that his ladyfriend/sister/roommate/platonic life partner has asked what precisely the hell it IS you do around a table at a friend’s place for ten hours on a Saturday night. Here’s what you can do to increase the chances that everyone involved will have a good time.

0- Point Zero:
Make sure we know we are welcome and not just tolerated. We understand that with Gamergate and all the negativity that swirls around the Internet between the various gender factions, it can be a bit intimidating for a guy to invite a girl to a game, especially if he knows she’s likely to be the only one present at the table. When in doubt, let us know that a seat has our name on it, and let us take it from there.


1- Point One:
Curate (in a non-hipster way) your gaming crew. A handy definition of curate: to pull together, sift through, and select for presentation.


Take a good hard look at your players and think if they would be good for a new player or a new-to-the-group player. Do you have a bunch of hardcore lore-junkie grognards that are roughly as crunchy as a bowl of aquarium gravel and take great joy in nitpicking the rules to death and second-guessing the DM? Probably not the best group for a new player - and honestly, why do YOU play with people like that?  Carrying on...

Do you play with a group of stereotypes? Be honest here. Are they the basement-dwelling, Doritos-dusted neckbearded types who have the social awareness of a potato? Again, probably not the best group for a new player. That being said, our friends are our friends. It might be a good solid gaming group, but not the best fit for someone just getting into this facet of the hobby.

Let’s say that you have some relatively well adjusted* gamers around your table, the type who indulge in hygiene and jobs and don’t break out in stammers and sweats when girls are around. Ideally, one or more of them will be in a relationship of some kind that involves a romantic component, so they are used to communication and compromise. This is a good place for a completely new player to come in - and even better if the one who invited the new player is actually excited about having her join.

*Well adjusted = medium-to-high-functioning in the mundane aspects of day to day life. Can likely be trusted not to do to the wink wink nudge nudge type of inappropriate behavior until they understand where the lines are with the new player. Also not likely to see a new female face at the table and immediately assume that she is interested in an out-of-character entanglement - or an in-character one for that matter.

Explain to your crew that you are going to be having a new player join the table, and give them the chance to possibly bow out for that session if they like. It goes without saying that it is rarely a good idea to introduce a complete neophyte to a well-oiled and functioning party past the first few games of a campaign, so perhaps you can add the new player at a natural break point or offer to invite her when you begin a new campaign. (Author’s note: You can also take the road traveled by my husband, which is: New player? Let me cram another game into my weekly schedule! I do not endorse this path, but perhaps you have learned how to practice chronomancy OR are in possession of a Time-Turner. If so, please contact me privately.)

You, as a DM, and your players, as members of the community of gamers, owe it to new players and to the continuation of our shared hobby to give them a fair and welcoming chance to dip their toes in the ocean of tabletop gaming. New gamers are the lifeblood of the industry.

2- Point Two:
Pick your setting carefully. For a first-time gamer, Pathfinder or D&D, with its hoary tomes trailing back into the Gygaxian caverns of yore, might be a touch intimidating. When in doubt, offer something with a good, well-known canon to draw from. My very first RPG was Star Wars - I didn’t even know that polyhedral dice existed, but I, like most kids of the late 70s/early 80s, knew about Darth Vader and the farmboy from Tattooine.


When I introduced my friend to Pathfinder, she looked a little lost until she was able to identify and work among the classic literary high-fantasy tropes that are inherent to the system. After she found her reference point, she jumped in with both feet. This leads me into point three.

3- Point Three:
Ask your new (and old!) players a TON of questions. What experience does she have? She may have never played Pathfinder, but she might have LARPed before, or played World of Warcraft or EVE or Skyrim, or she might write Harry Potter fanfic. Don’t make it seem like a job interview (because THOSE are fun) but explain that you are trying to figure out what her experience is, because you don’t want to waste her time with stuff she’s already familiar with. That shows respect for her time and her opinion, which will score you good-person points.


Disclaimer: Most of my female friends are also my writer friends, which means we can spot tropes from a mile away. Sometimes this is irritating, but it also allows our DMs to use that knowledge both to our benefit and to his own nefarious ends. Your mileage will, of course, vary.

Ask your players if there are any types of content they want to avoid. I’m not a huge fan of militaristic campaigns; some people don’t like Lovecraftian horror in their high fantasy, others might be perfectly fine with blood on the ceilings and torture by the hour, but can’t handle settings involving slavery or overtly sexual themes (think succubi/incubi or interrogation via seduction or the Book of Erotic Fantasy for D&D 3.5.)

4- Point Four:
Don’t make assumptions. Some of my girlfriends are just as crunchy as the grognards, and that’s okay. I remember a friend of mine recently posting on Facebook that her half-elf barbarian just did 109 damage in one turn, to which one of her friends replied that her tiefling just gored a dwarf’s eyes out with her horns when he tried to put her in a headlock. One of the more experienced lady gamers I know loves to tell the story of back in the Dark Ages when she started to play, she would shock guys by sitting down at the table, opening her dice bag, and asking them what their THAC0 was.


We might not have played the game, or might not have played that particular edition, but don’t assume we are completely uninformed unless we tell you we are. Ladies, it’s not a sign of weakness to admit you don’t know something, or to ask players to explain an unfamiliar acronym. It’s how you learn, after all. Guys: Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons is not a good role model. Don’t do it. Just don’t. Protip: Let the DM do the explaining, and only contribute as necessary. Otherwise, button your yaps.

Oh, and because it needs saying: We don’t all want to play healers or druids. There, I said it. This is 2017, for the love of spice. We are all well beyond the stage of “hey we need a healer, get your girlfriend to play one”. If you need a healer, go get yourself right with your god(s), Father Cleric.

5- Point Five:  
Create a welcoming environment to play in. I’m not saying you need to go out and invest in doilies and tea cozies, but at least make the room presentable enough that you wouldn’t mind your sister or daughter seeing it. Alternatively, have your meet-and-greet/initial session at your local game store - everyone should be okay there. Bonus tip: if you ARE playing at your home, take ten minutes before the group arrives and tidy up a little bit. Nothing Martha Stewart, but rinsing stray hairs out of the sink and putting away your dirty socks will do wonders in making a good impression.


The comfortable environment extends to the table as well. Asking a player (of any gender) what their character looks like is perfectly okay; extended discussion about what bra size the female characters wear is not. In all fairness, I have busted my female players about this as well when they get a little too...enthusiastic...about what the barbarian has under his kilt.


5.5- Point Five and a Half:  
Do NOT fall into the trap of female player = female character = oh look romantic/sexual plot point.  Don't shoehorn that plot in just because you think we want it. Chances are, we don’t, especially with complete or near-complete strangers. It may evolve over time, but it might not. Let it happen organically or after discussion out-of-character.


6- Point Six:  
Be an adult. Treat people decently, regardless of gender. Remember, we are all representatives of our shared hobby and one bad experience will travel the winds much further than a fantastic one. We ladies don’t need to be treated with kid gloves - we need to be treated like valued members of the community. Call out bad behavior wherever you see it. Ask if there are misunderstandings, and strive to fix them. Do a post-mortem with each player and a separate one with the group - see if there are any areas of concern or room for improvement or anything that was really amazing that people want to see more. Understand that it will likely take several sessions for a group to really gel and learn to trust each other, and ask your players to give each other a chance.



Ladies, gentlemen, and smizmars, the people you play with are human (presumably) and they WILL make mistakes, misspeak, or occasionally say inappropriate things out of ignorance. Don't ascribe malice to something that can be written off as ignorance or human error. If something bothers you, say something - but keep in mind that the best resolution should, as a rule, allow all parties to keep playing. If you as a lady gamer don't want to be treated like a fine crystal vial full of nitroglycerin, show your tolerance and willingness to make friends to the guys inviting you to the table. Guys, treat us like people, because we are people. Normal people...or as normal as gamers get.

In the end, it's all just a game. Let us hope the Lady*
is on our side.

In loving memory of Sir Terry Pratchett, taken from us two years ago and twenty years too soon,

Georgia

* "The Lady", also known as; "She-who-shall-not-be-named,  The 'Million-to-One' Chance (and all of the other chances as well) The One who will desert you when you need Her the most - and sometimes She might not..." is none other than the Anthropomorphic personification of Luck, as well as the single most powerful goddess on the Discworld, all for the simple reason that (although She has no worshippers and the only temple ever erected to Her was destroyed purely by chance) everybody hopes and prays that She exists and that She'll smile on them. Her suitors can be distinguished by their distinctive repetitive prayer; "please-oh-please-oh-please-oh-please."

#speakhisname #gnuTerryPratchett


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12 Comments
Jimmy Duffie link
22/3/2017 10:39:23 am

Nice article, will report to my group! I'm lucky to be able to run an all-female group online with Twitch on Saturday nights. The way the ladies approach the game is very different in strategy and styles of play. I look forward to their session because I never know what to expect on how things will turn out.

https://www.twitch.tv/praetorsrejects

Reply
Sargon
22/3/2017 12:34:01 pm

His name was Terry Pratchett. Long live his name.
good post. will share!

Reply
Skellan
22/3/2017 01:30:58 pm

It would all be fine if it wasn't for those basement-dwelling neckbeards.

Reply
John WS Marvin link
22/3/2017 06:31:57 pm

The only point I don't agree with for *my* games is:

"It goes without saying that it is rarely a good idea to introduce a complete neophyte to a well-oiled and functioning party past the first few games of a campaign, so perhaps you can add the new player at a natural break point or offer to invite her when you begin a new campaign."

I regularly bring in new players when old players move away or there is room and someone expressed an interest. I say something like "You know how in a TV show, sometimes in Season 2 they add a new character? That's you. It's not only fine you don't know everything we've been up to, it's great. Your character doesn't know. Just focus on the short term at first, and as questions pop up, just ask."
I'll always add "Don't worry about your character choice much this first game. For the first three games you can change anything about your character. The point is to have fun."

Reply
Drudenfusz link
23/3/2017 11:49:07 am

Most of those points seem reasonable regardless of the gender of the new player, so I don't see why this is specifiacally about girls joining the hobby. And I also don't get why GamerGate was mentioned, that movement had lots of girls supporting it, so why does it get be thrown in there as if GamerGate would have been somehow against girls in gaming, when in reality they had been the inclusive ones that rejected the narrative that the gamining hobby is intrinsically sexist.

Reply
Georgia
23/3/2017 02:38:23 pm

Hi Drudenfusz, author of the article here.

I mentioned Gamergate as an example of gaming-related conflict that has become well known on the Internet; merely as a data point in the conflict between all genders in the gaming sphere.

There are misogynistic gamers, misandrist gamers, and an entire spectrum in between and beyond them. Haters will always find something to hate, so the faster and brighter we shine a broad-spectrum light into their nests, the faster they will either adapt their behaviour or leave the hobby.

I agree that most of these points are applicable to all new gamers, but it is truly stunning how rarely they are applied. Perhaps, seeing them in the context of enticing new ladies to the table, a broader audience will apply them in their larger endeavours.

Reply
JEANNETTE E JARRAR
24/3/2017 11:59:56 am

Oh the freaking irony. I am, or was a woman gamer, though I am limited by a disability to playing online. I found the hobby 3 years ago. I am preparing to throw in the towel now. I had hoped this would bring pleasure to my retirement years, I am 61 now. Instead I not only find the same crap I found everywhere else, but here, in gaming there seems to be a no talk rule, can't take the heat get out of the kitchen,. Now that I know there is some minimum toughness standard to be a gamer I have decided I can't meet that, and am slowly dropping out of every group I am involved in, and other than a game here or there with the people have shown me they are sincere and not merely paying lip service to inclusiveness, I am pretty much done.

Reply
Georgia
30/3/2017 12:15:26 am

Jeannette,
Author of the article here. Would you do me a favor - because text doesn't convey vocal nuance well - and explain what you mean that you have found that gaming requires a minimum standard toughness?

In my experience (and we all have different ones) anyone who has worked in customer service, been in a healthy relationship, or been in an environment that encouraged respectful and enthusiastic debate has thick enough skin to be a gamer, and I specifically have called out both men and women who can't handle conflict at the table in a healthy adult manner.

Would you elaborate on how your experience differs, please? If there is an aspect I have missed, I would appreciate learning about it.

Reply
JEANNETTE E JARRAR
2/4/2017 09:35:55 am

I have tried three times to respond to your post, I believe you are quite sincere. However every time I attempt to do so I can find no way to encapsulate the events of the last the 3 years since I discovered gaming, hoping it would be a positive stress reliever, and the adverse impact they have had not just on my view of the hobby but on my health.
This is the internet, 70% of communication is non-verbal, that is all lost. Thus ideas that could be more simply conveyed result in unwieldy text that too often muddies the waters. I should have said nothing at all knowing any effort to explain anything on the internet only makes matters worse, with no means to resolution.
Perhaps that is the difference. You seem to be referring only to face to face groups, an option I'll never have. I can only play online, add the anonymity of the internet, the use at your own risk formula of communities, and
the lack of any mechanism to resolve issues if only one person actually experiences any consequences (lack of incentive to those who lose nothing), I have found discussion is pointless and unwelcome.

damned
24/3/2017 06:30:20 pm

@John WS Marvinlink
My read on it was that you dont want to create friction within your group to the new player if they are a well oiled machine with moves thought out well in advance and you drop in a new player who is going to slow things down with a lot of questions. Your point is good too - if the well oiled machine is warm and welcoming and understanding then its likely going to be a good experience.

@Drudenfusz
The reason this article exists is because so many women encounter shitty experiences at the RPG table that put them off trying again. As guys we need to stop thinking that our view is the only view and that another view has less merit because its not ours. Why "as guys"? Because its guys that dominate the numbers and its guys that are largely creating the negative experiences. Knowingly or unknowingly we are the ones turning women away from our hobby. When women are brave enough to write pieces like this its another opportunity for me to learn.

@Georgia
Some points there that just didnt even cross my mind and for me that is a good wake up. Thanks.

Reply
Ian
28/3/2017 09:37:22 am

I recently started a campaign with 6 people, all who never played any RPG before. I collected 3 women (including my wife), and 3 men.

I made my wife the dwarven fighter, just to shatter a few stereotype.

Then I made the other two girls into a thief and assassin pair of sisters, so they can work together to "show the boys what they can do". That pairing has already paid off in spades many times, and everyone else respects and counts on their abilities.

It is my first time DMing, and I wanted to make sure I stress the "fun" aspect of the game, especially for the women. Most men by nature can turn competitive quite quickly, whereas many women will work together by default. (hence my pairing of the two women as sisters)

No neckbeards were included, and it is a group of diversity (a brand new cop, a retired cop with 25 years service, a teacher, a truck driver, a graphic artist for a national magazine, and a videographer...with educations from highschool to Master degrees. Ages are from late 50s down to late 30s.

I resist using the title Dungeons and Dragon simply for the negative stereotypes it brings up in most people., I simply call it Theater of the Mind.

FUN FUN FUN. You have to really stress the fun aspect for women. I've included encounters that require Charades style play, and had another encounter that required one player to speak in no more than one or two syllable words, and the another player in only three or four syllable words. Those encounter were hilarious! It also took the game far from a typical D&D game into a much more social thing.

The natural tactical thinking of the police officer and retired police officer in the group became quite obvious, and the problem solving abilities of the women who looked at things VERY differently than the men, was equally obvious. It created mutual respect.

I also played fast and loose with many rules. If anything is overly technical, many men will argue, and many women will simply become disinterested.

Suprisingly (to me anyways) was the positive feedback I got from the women in regards to using a 2' x 3' sheet of graph paper to map the area of play, with figure to go along. (While the pad of paper was $15, and the figures were about $45, this was DEFINITELY money well spent.) They said it let them see what exactly was going on, and took away many of their fears of "getting lost in the game" or being embarrassed by not knowing what was going on and having to ask questions constantly.

As we progress, I have a feeling that each session will have more in-game depth and detail, having already built a common bond of nobody taking themselves too seriously. The high fantasy/serious dungeon crawling will evolve naturally over the adventure.

As a first-time DM, out of the hobby for almost 20 years, I consider my self very blessed to be part of this group.

Reply
Georgia
30/3/2017 12:17:17 am

@Ian,
That sounds like a FANTASTIC game! Please keep in touch and let me know how it progresses.

Thanks,
Georgia

Reply



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