How Not To Be A Rules Lawyer: 15 Alternatives To Arguing With The GM

Have you ever felt cheated by your GM? Perhaps they misinterpreted what you wanted you character to do. Maybe they didn’t have a good understanding of a rule and were unwilling to alter their decision as it had already occurred. Perhaps they were bending the rules in order to suit their version of the story. Possibly they were just completely out of touch with reality. Regardless of the reason, everyone at one point or another has suffered what they feel to be a bad call. Many players are inordinately gifted with an ability to gracefully accept such decisions and get on with the game. Then there are the rules lawyers, who feel they must protest whatever injustice has been inflicted upon them in order to change the GM’s mind. It is to you that I write today: regardless of the rightness of your cause, your behavior is unacceptable. It holds up everyone’s game and is just plain rude. By all means, let the GM know if you disagree with one of their calls. However, if the GM is unwilling to alter their decision, do not attempt to:

Prove your point using logic, reason, reality, and/or cold hard facts: when a dispute arises, stop the game while you look for indisputable evidence in any rulebook (does not need to be a core book) in support of your argument. Once you’ve presented your evidence, deliver a brilliant speech detailing conclusively why you are right and the GM is wrong. Finish with an explanation of how the scenario should have played out, if the GM would but agree that you are correct. If the GM rejects these proofs, go back to the rulebooks to find another rule in support of your point of view and repeat process until you get the desired results. 

I understand how tempting this is, really, I do. However, it is a very simple and quick way to irritate everyone with which you are playing. Fear not, my good lawyers, for I am here to help you. I present to you some tips that you can use to distract yourself from the injustice at hand. Note that I said distract, not justify the GM’s decision, as I do think you’ve been wronged in some way, as rules lawyers typically base any opposition to the GM in either rules or reality. However, for everyone else at the table, the following behaviors on your part will be largely preferable to rules lawyering:
 

1. Stuff your face: if you are having trouble even breathing through chip dust, odds are you won’t be able to cohesively argue your point and the game can proceed peacefully. Feel free to practice this exercise whenever food is put out in anticipation of using it as a rules lawyering defense.
2. Silently mock them: find a flaw in your GM and relentlessly make fun of them for it in your mind. Avoid letting a dreamy, dazed smile cross your face, though, as the GM might become suspicious.
3. Take it out on those around you: rather than hold up the game arguing a point with the GM, perhaps try passive-aggressively taking it out on your fellow players. I’m sure they’d find it preferable to listening to the endless inane bickering that inevitably comes of rules-lawyering.
4. Physical aggression: the time for words has passed; by rejecting your sound and reasonable arguments, the GM has clearly initiated combat. Skip rolling for initiative and just dive right in, you deserve a surprise round based on how stupid they’re being.
5. Imagine the GM naked: done properly, this should distract (and horrify) you so much that you completely forget about any rule discrepancies that may have occurred. Works well in conjunction with #2, but might lead to excess #7.
6. Have a good cry: weep many piteous tears of sorrow because woe is you! The GM will not listen to your sound rational arguments, so it’s time to bring employ some hardcore emotional manipulation.
7. Self-medicate: alcohol can resolve any disputes you might have with the GM, with more intense disputes requiring higher doses of medication. This can actually provide a temporary solution to most any problems you may have with role-playing. Not recommended if driving home is important. If done excessively, may result in #4.
8. Fake a call: rather than endlessly argue with your GM about why they’re wrong, act like you’ve just received a call and step out to answer it. Once there, you can do a myriad of things more fun than being shut down by the GM, like calling your loved ones or ordering a live rattlesnake to be delivered to their office later this week.
9. Flip the table: if you can’t win, nobody can win. You can’t beat a classic. Let’s be honest, we’re all just looking for an excuse to do this.
10. Put it into perspective: you can more easily let a bad call by the GM go if you realize how little it matters in the scheme of things. There is war, pestilence, famine, and disease everywhere in the world and you’re getting bent out of shape because the GM is being stubborn?
11. Dramatic exit: the GM is clearly an irrational git who wouldn’t know a reasonable argument if it was the broad side of a barn, so now’s your chance to storm off in a huff. This will leave a huge impression on your fellow players and prove your point in dramatic fashion to the GM. Make sure to wait within earshot so as to hear when they begin to lament and beat their breasts in contrition.
12. Regress to childhood: the GM is ignoring your sound logic just like your older siblings did when you were younger. Respond like you did back then, perhaps by repeating everything the GM says, tattling to Mom, and calling them names like stupidhead.
13. Take up a new hobby: never deal with GM nonsense again! Quit gaming and take up a new hobby such as knitting. While they’re off adventuring and being epic, you’ll be sitting quietly enjoying a good knit and purl. That will teach them.
14. Harbor a grudge: instead of arguing incessantly, sit quietly and reflect on how you are going to destroy the GM at some future point in time. Perhaps you will kill their character when you GM your groups next campaign. Perhaps you’ll cut the power to their house and terrorize them while wearing a hockey mask. To each their own.
15. Lawsuit: rather than be a rules lawyer, contact an actual lawyer and sue the GM for defamation of character or breach of contract or whatever legalese mumbo-jumbo suits your fancy. This is still preferable to being a rules lawyer (at least to your fellow players, the GM may have other thoughts).

So, as you can see, there are plenty of perfectly suitable responses to disagreements with the GM that don’t involve rules lawyering. Choose your favorite(s) and employ them the next time the GM botches a call; your entire group will thank me. Happy gaming!
 
Jake is a rule fanatic and recovering rules lawyer. He typically employs numbers one, seven, and ten when tempted to be a rules lawyering (and number six when no one’s around).

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