Some of you just had a nerdgasm. I’ll give you a moment. Better? Okay, so there’s a long list of people I would never want to play Dungeons and Dragons with. Not that they’re bad people per se, just that they would not be fun to try to share a gaming session with, at least right now. But they would make great Pokémon creatures! With the world caught up in Pokémon fever, and with D&D on my mind, I’ve compiled a list of 4 Pokémon characters, based on real people (reasons given below), which you could be the first to catch all while playing the Dungeons and Dragons game you love. Never mind that whole “don’t go on your phone” diatribe. That was soooo pre- Pokémon Go*.
A drow based on the life and times of Mr. Vladimir Putin. Why Vlad? He scares me. In an “I’ll-hold-you-down-until-you-see-things-my-way-through-black-eyes-while-you-poo-yourself kind of way. And he probably eats all the snacks at gaming without bringing shit too.
Profile: Drowyu lives in the snowy mountains of Russia, and in an underground fortress. Diet consists mostly of vodka, self-aggrandizement and borscht
Characteristics: Drowyu can walk on water, resist election competitors, and shoot an AK-47. He can drink jet fuel and spit hot death. Drowyu has scaly skin and an intimate knowledge of Kung Fu. Drowyu can ride any animal, so long as he’s shirtless. Drowyu has KGB connections.
Natural Enemies: Drowyu’s natural enemy is Minlock
A Mindflayer based on the life and times of Mr. Donald Trump. Why Don? Despite the comedic genius that is behind @dungeonsdonald (“Know what a Lich does well? It kills invaders. It does that so good. It doesn’t talk. You’re an invader, it’s over”). I think that the Don would insist on trying to be the DM every session (or challenging them constantly) and would constantly preach to you about what your character should and shouldn’t do, regardless of existing mechanics.
Profile: Minlock lives in the dank corridors of downtown Manhattan and on campaign busses. Diet consists mostly of garbage, propaganda and immigration papers
Characteristics: Minlock can build fences rapidly, throw poison and puke gold. He drinks free American air. Minlock has a winning smile and a magic chest of baseball hats and toupees. He resists hot death and can rage quit any encounter. Minlock has far right connections.
Natural Enemies: Minlock’s natural enemy is Drowyu
A human based on the life and times of Prime Minister Theresa May. Why PM May? Can you say split the party? She voted to stay and is now in charge of people who voted to leave. Awkward party dynamics much?
Profile: Pimavee lives in the United Kingdom. Used to live on mainland Europe as well. Diet consists mostly of fish & chips, TV dinners and Dr Pepper
Characteristics: Pimavee has a fear of commitment and of hot death. Pimavee can spit slime, breathe poisonous gasses, and puke cabinet ministers. She can extricate all of her friends from a location (or not), provided at least half of them agree. Pimavee has commonwealth connections and can spit scotch & Dr. Pepper (tasty!)
Natural Enemies: Pimavee’s natural enemy is Bririno
A tiefling based on the life and times of Britney Spears. Why Brit? I’m pretty sure she’s a LARPer. Not that there’s anything wrong with that… You do you, Brit. You do you. I think its pretty safe to say that the last thing a stink of geeks wants is the Princess of Pop performing an intimate rendition of her new hit single. It would just distract too much from the witty dialogue.
Profile: Bririno lives in the humid climate of Southern California. Diet consists mostly of amphetamines, silicone and candy alcohol.
Characteristics: Bririno has interchangeable body parts. She has a fear of wind and whispers. Bririno can walk on air and float in lava. Bririno mastered sick beats, and can befriend any Pokémon by using her special ‘bump and grind’ ability.
Natural Enemies: Bririno’s natural enemy is Pimavee
Maybe you’ve reached this point of the article, and you’re like: “shit, I just wasted 5 minutes reading this crap. He didn’t even convert the powers to 5e format. Where are the hitpoints? Why am I still reading this?” As a reward/punishment for your loyalty, here is a poem (author unknown):
My Pokémon brings all the nerds to the yard,
And they’re like: you wanna trade cards?
Damn right, I wanna trade cards,
I’ll trade this, but not my charizard
Not my charizard, indeed
*Seriously, don’t stay glued to your phone/tablet during game time. It’s annoying.
Dustinopolis is a regular contributor here at high level games. Not on staff, mind you or any formal relationship where there’s an exchange of money or benefits or responsibility for what he writes. He can be found on twitter @devourcheese. But not during a gaming session, unless his character just died and he’s realized that by the time he writes up a new character sheet, the gaming session will be over, anyways he can always finish it at home and email it to the DM for approval, so he may as well check his twitter because maybe there’s something hilarious he can use in his next blog.
I am become death, destroyer of worlds.