Children live in a wonder-filled world. Magic seems like a plausible solution to problems, fairies are potential allies, and the fantastical seems possible. However, as we grow up, many of us come to think that we’re smarter than all that. We turn to our rudimentary understandings of logic to allay our curiosities. Yet, there are some enduring mythical creatures, which even adults haven’t completely dismissed from their imaginations. These are powerful creatures with god-like abilities and… sometimes… dangerous moral alignments.
I, your humble investigator, have detailed 5 mythical creatures from childhood. Each creature’s dossier includes a brief physical description, the circumstances surrounding their operations, an argument for their alignment, and finally, my verdict.
Mythical Creature #5: The Easter Bunny
Lepus paschalis. Quadrupedal creature appearing as common hare. When seen by humans, adopts mannerisms of the typical unintelligent lapin. Part of a large, uncoordinated distribution network.
Appearing as normal hares by day, it is around the celebration of Easter that these creatures begin a comprehensive candy campaign in North America. With human-like dexterity, they indiscriminately hide sweets and chocolates around houses, schools, offices and fields. Able to infiltrate even the most secure of locations, they leave a sea of confectioneries in their wake. No explanations are given, and only a few half-hearted questions may be heard above the sound of muffled masticating.
It is well known the harmful effects that too much sucrose and glucose has on the human body. The incredible amount of sweets these industrious bunnies distribute on one day requires us to consider this a possible hostile action. Many children (and their parents) adopt this excessive sugar intake into dangerous lifestyle habits.
This consequence seems a planned effect, but there is no strong evidence suggesting coordination of the rabbits’ activities. Distribution is uneven to say the least: sometimes candies are hidden in the most obscure of locations, yet other times they are in the same place, year after year…
Chaotic Evil. The rabbits’ extensive sugar bombing runs ensures that the obesity epidemic continues to plague North American society.
Mythical Creature #4: The Leprechaun
Leipreachán. Bipedal fey creature. Ginger hair and beard. Male. Wears green or red coat and hat. Ostensibly appears as a shoemaker by trade. Interests lie in treasure hoarding and mischief.
Years of avarice, exploration and appropriation of long lost gold caches have resulted in many leprechauns developing small fortunes. It is rumored that their gold is squirreled away in cauldrons at the end of various indeterminate rainbows. Those who catch a leprechaun may barter 3 wishes in exchange for the creature’s release.
Systematic dream crushing, mischievous devilry resulting in wanton destruction of property and outright lies define the leprechaun’s modus operandi. Their greed has taken them around the world, as they search for valuables lost in the sands of time. Fanciful tales about pots of gold and rainbows can only be assumed to be illusions meant to entertain the foolish and beguile treasure seekers. For those who capture a leprechaun and want to attempt to barter 3 wishes for their freedom, be warned of the legendary creative license that leprechauns take when granting them. They care for nothing save their gold and their own well-being.
Neutral Evil- Rules, loopholes and lies define the miserly leprechaun, a term synonymous with danger and mischief.
Mythical Creature # 3 Cupid
Cupido. Humanoid god of desire, attraction and affection. Male. Slender wings protruding from dorsal muscles enable flight.
An expert marksman with bow and arrow, this prolific hunter is known to shoot one of two types of arrows into the hearts of his targets. Those struck with the golden arrow are overcome with amorous desires. Those struck with the lead arrow are likewise overcome with aversion to their suitor.
Is he an agent of fornication and lust, or does he simply provide the sting of love alluded to in the “birds and the bees”. Some suggest his arrows are a product of his deranged mind meant to tempt humans towards vice. Others insist that he carries out his task of afflicting people with feelings of romantic love in order to encourage intimacy and ultimately, procreation. Interpretation of his motives seems to depend somewhat on the combination of arrows used on the person’s particular relationship (or lack thereof).
Chaotic Good. Being stung by love, and its concomitant physiological changes is a pleasurable sensation dulled only when the desire lies dormant.
Mythical Creature #2 The Tooth Fairy
Dentem fairy. Bipedal fey creature. Male or female. Wings attached between dorsal muscles, enabling flight.
Quiet and reclusive by nature, the fairies’ desire to avoid detection has led to their development of unrivalled skills in stealth and infiltration. They are able to sneak undetected into any target’s bedroom under cover of darkness. Their excellent sleight of hand skills allow them to find and remove a single tooth, undetected, from under its slumbering former owner. The only evidence of their nocturnal activities is their calling cards: token monetary offerings left behind as a warning and reminder that they will return…
The economic ramifications from these coin collectors suggest one of two realities. 1) The tooth fairy is involved in an organization larger than themselves, which bankrolls their endeavors. 2) The tooth fairy has an alternative form of income enabling them to ladle out enormous amounts of wealth.
Either way, what is most concerning is that large amounts of human teeth are being collected, for reasons unknown. We can only guess at what mysterious purposes the fairies or their handlers have for them.
Chaotic Neutral- To what end is this harvest of enamel directed? The answer to this question greatly influences alignment classification. Stay tuned.
Mythical Creature #1: Santa Claus
Santa Claus. Obese humanoid male. White beard obscures face. Wears a red coat and trousers trimmed with white. Head of an organization of Fey and woodland creatures, purposed for making and delivering presents in December.
He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good. He maintains a vast network of elves, capable of mobilizing considerable resources to reward those he categorizes as ‘good’. His stable of enchanted reindeer are capable of extreme speeds, which enable him to personally see to every person classified in his leger of deeds.
For those he categorizes as ‘bad’, his visits at best result in a simple offer meant to insult. However, there are far worse things than insults to worry about should Santa turn the ‘bad’ name over to one of his darker associates to deal with...
Judge, juror, and friends with the executioner, Santa is the big man on this list in more ways than one. Children everywhere would do well to mark the name. Capable of sublime infiltration, he continues to go undetected- sometimes through openly hostile territory- despite advances in modern technology. With a stronghold of manufacturing around the north pole, corporate sponsorship, loyal and tireless servants accommodating his every whim, and complete economic insulation from the fluctuation of oil prices means that the world’s imagination continues to belong to Santa Claus come December.
Lawful Neutral. Categorizes children according to their adherence (or lack thereof) to various cultural and moral standards. Dispenses rewards and punishments scaled according to socio-economic status, and cultural expectations.
He is the balance between good and evil. He is in charge of lawful good elves that forge magnanimous gifts for ‘good’ people, and maintains associations with lawful evil creatures who punish the ‘bad’ people.
This article was written to inform people about 5 of childhood’s mythical creatures. The stories are usually given only cursory investigation. If we insist on maintaining these myths, we should be aware of the moral alignments attached to them.
I am become death, destroyer of worlds.