Much has happened since last my fingertips danced on these opaque keys. I’ll spare you the boring details about the who’s and why’s and why not’s. All you need to know, dearest reader is: Jaeger bombs, trippin’ ballz nightclubbin’, what I’m almost certain was chloroform, and an eventual return to consciousness upon a black asphalt mattress. No, this isn’t referencing a hard night on the campaign trail with Hillary … I’ve become a vampire. Now, before you get too excited, yes, I could teach you a ton about what life is like in this husk of a mortal shell, but what’s the rush? I’ve got a lot of time to fill up between now and eternity, so I’ll break it down into pieces so as to not shatter your delicious mental faculties. If you’re lucky, by the time your great grandchildren grow old, they may fully understand what its like to unlive unlife on earth (so take notes).
To begin our saga, let me tell you the reasons why the sun sucks.
1- It burns
Yes, it’s actually as hot as hell (I have it on good authority). Humans take precautions to shield themselves against the potent ultraviolet (ultraviolent?) rays assaulting the earth. They hide behind barricades providing shade, or slather a thick white substance over their exposed epidermis with the hopes it will act as a shield…and for the most part, if applied properly and you don’t have red hair, it does. However, that same incinerating effect on human flesh has an amplified potency for us vampires. We have to wear a special vampiric sunscreen, usually coating our entire bodies, just to walk around during the day. Gingers still burn, of course; sadly sunscreen for them remains ineffective, even in undeath. Admittedly, there are some kinks to work out- and they’re always beta testing. It wasn’t too long ago that now-mothballed formulas caused our skin to glitter and glisten like diamonds in a Tiffany display case.
But you better be careful not miss even one little patch of exposed skin…
But wait, you say, don’t vampires sleep during the day? Technically, you’re right, although with the recent presidential debate, who can get any shuteye? The fact is, sleeping during the day means long hours alone at night… with no social compass to guide you (outside of posting the odd blog for a gaming website…). Too long without keeping your mental faculties sharp with conversations, lies, gossip or excuses…. and your cravings begin to consume you. As a result, most vampires have adapted to the sleeping patterns of our unsuspecting prey. Besides, the amount of UV that’s in those ubiquitous fluorescent bulbs these days makes you have to wear some sunscreen on your face, neck and arms anyways, so you may as well go all in. You’re already sticky.
I prefer to stay inside, which suits me just fine, as it means I can continue with role playing games with friends/food sources.
2- It messes with alternative spectrum sight
Fun fact, vampires eyes get all messed up when we are turned to undead. I literally cannot see for shit in daylight without my contacts in. That’s a problem in and of itself, but it gets worse. You see contact lens manufacturers, like many medical and pharmaceutical companies, are run by demon lords. These demons, greedy as they are, have made several non-compete arrangements, in order to corner the market, and effectively produce enslaved consumers. Case in point, my contacts. There is only one manufacturer of contact lenses for vampiric eye spectrums, and you better believe they leverage that monopoly to their benefit. First of all, they only come in red, which means I‘m going around probably looking like an impressionist painting of the demon prince who runs the company (long may he unlive). Secondly, the undead market prices are ridiculous: you have to subcontract out your soul for 20 years every time you need a new pair- and they aren’t even prescription! (My contract stipulates that I must acknowledge that the demon lord is fair, and that I never had it so good)
* Update: claiming to hear the demands of consumers, the gracious demon is now offering ‘subtle’ bright yellow contact lenses or ‘classic’ jet-black eyeball covers. I might try them next time- they shouldn’t stand out, right?
3- It endlessly teases…
Yeah, you guys smell delicious. Fat, skinny, pretty, ugly, sweaty, clean, it doesn’t matter- its like a human walking up to a grocery store when they have their bakery fans pumping those sweet fumes into the parking lot. That’s hard for any hungry vampire to resist. As bad as that temptation is, the hotter it gets, the more humans sweat, and they have this infuriating habit of exposing themselves to more and more sun, drinking plenty of fluids so as to keep the aroma strong. On one particularly sweltering day last week, another vampire and I were out on a walk in our standard-issued nondescript trench coats, when a pack of joggers jiggled by. Evidently they had been running for a while, the plump ones were already puffing, shirts drenched from exertion. It was like bacon wrapped in bacon and smothered with a sweet creamy sunscreen bacon glaze and slow roasted in front of your face. If I still had salivary glands that didn’t drip a rohypnol-morphine concoction, I would have had to wear flip-flops to wade through the saliva that would’ve streamed out of my mouth in their wake; I swear that, for half a second, I had a heartbeat. I looked to my comrade, knowing full well the taboo placed on daytime hunting. But it didn’t even see me. Those eyes got that craaazy gleam in them, lips parting in anticipation. And in the horrifying bonfire that followed, I learned an important lesson: they don’t make sunscreen for the inside of your mouth.
And the vampire dark web is chock a block with videos of vampires’ mouths on fire.
Human interaction is the only place where you can taste the tantalizing agony of almost feeling alive again, and so we venture out into the daylight. Sure its self destructive, self indulgent, and tortuous, but isn’t that the driving force behind any addiction? We vampires cannot be alive, so we settle for a kind of pseudo-life: putting on manners, practicing our speeches, and looking to the world like we’re well put together. We could be your boss, your coworker, your quirky neighbor, even a presidential candidate or two. The sun damages us, sure, but it is a necessary good which we have to endure, for a greater selfish benefit.
Until next time,
Dustinopolis is a perfectly normal human who is alive and does normal human behaviors every day, even if it’s sunny. Nothing out of the ordinary. Very ho hum. Nothing that people need worry about. No need to stay on guard or put garlic in your homes or anything stinky like that. Dustinopolis could best be described as a very human human. Feel free to invite it in anytime.
I am become death, destroyer of worlds.